A Homecoming

Up until a few days ago, I was still vacillating over going back to my hometown until my move (thus living with my parents and having to get up at 4:30 every morning for work), or staying where I am and enduring the cost of rent and bills, making it that much harder to save money for my move. Well, that stopped when my old roommate called to tell me about her talk with our old apartment complex.

It seems she and my other roommate went to the office to find out an estimate on charges they’d be giving us, or even if they’d had a chance to check it out. We moved out August 11th, so they should have had plenty of time to see it and make a judgment or two. Well they’d seen it all right, but they didn’t have a price for us yet. It seems that we somehow left the apartment in such bad shape that they haven’t even calculated how much it’s going to cost us. It was one of the worst apartments they’d ever seen, and how dare we leave it that way. My two old roommates were berated by the office manager right in front of everyone, office staff and potential renters alike. She was furious that someone had left a bed broken in one of the rooms (completely not any of us, but the fourth person, whom we did not get along with), and that our oven door was broken. For that issue, we have a work order on file in the office telling them they needed to come fix it, and one of the people in the office expressly told us not to worry about it since they simply didn’t have enough time to get to it before we moved out. Now the office manager is telling us that the oven door is not a routine repair, and that they’ll have to replace the entire appliance (at our expense of course). They even mentioned changing out the carpet in the common areas (which I understand but don’t like), and all the bedrooms (which they said they were doing pretty much because they felt like it. My carpet was spotless, and I am proud of it. Screw them).

Well, once I was told about them mentioning payment plans, I knew it was time to pack up yet again and do anything to save some money. The office told us we would have our bill within 30 days, but I’m not waiting until then to get out of here. I’m hoping to leave by this coming weekend, before the semester starts again. So that means the coming week will be filled to the brim with packing and sorting once more. I plan on using this week (and the coming semester before my move) to purge my belongings and pare it down to, if not the bare necessities, my more basic needs and wants. It will be a long hard time toughing it out in my podunk hometown (without Internet, by the way), but I’ll survive. I always do. The hardest thing will be leaving my friends here, but if I can’t survive a 45 minute separation, how will I move across country?

Well, that’s my most up to date plan for now. Work will have to adjust to me not being able to close at all, but I know they’ll be fine. And on the plus side, I’ll have lots of opportunities to get some overtime. I just have to remember, I’m doing this all for my future, for my potential happiness at starting a new life in a new place. I’m scared shitless sometimes, but I’ll make it through.

-Liridon

A Limbo Large and Broad

So here I am, stuck in one place but wanting desperately to be in a different one.

I decided probably early to mid summer to commit to moving to Connecticut and starting over there. I didn’t look for apartments, I didn’t look for another job, I didn’t do anything but save money and try to figure out how much the whole thing would cost. Then my brother drops the bomb: he and his wife really aren’t ready for my parents to come and visit (which they were planning to do around the end of July), much less read for someone to come live with them. Would it be alright for more to wait until December? With maybe five sentences my brother effectively crushed my plans. I was faced with the unwelcome task of finding an apartment within a month, preferably something cheap, and with as short a lease as possible.

Well after a bit of searching I found a reasonable place, I guess. A small (500 sq. ft.) semi-studio (bookshelves separate the bedroom from the living area) for only $330/month plus utilities/bills. And they allowed a six month lease (pretty rare in a college town) with minimal deposit and even the first month free. A good deal, right? I signed my lease and got my key yesterday. Using a friend’s car, I packed up a few boxes and happily took the first of my possessions over to my new, if temporary, home. Last night was when the doubt really set in.

At about 2:30, maybe 3:00 in the morning I woke up with an intense regret at having signed the lease. See, my original plan was to move at the end of the fall semester, around Christmas when my parents had decided they were going up to see my brother anyway, thus ensuring Christmas with the family, and even a little extra moving help if needed. With the new lease, I was stuck in the place until January 31st, a full month and a half later than I wanted. On top of that, if I broke the lease I’d have to pay not only the rent for the remaining months (which I expected), but also the difference between the rent I was paying and the market value for it (about a $50 difference per month = $250) AND the month they’d given me for free in the first place. All totaled, I think it comes to about $624, plus the rent for January and December since I have to give them sixty days notice. That’s a hell of a lot of money to spend when you’re trying to move across country, and when your place of work is closed for a month in late December/early January for winter break.

So a new idea came to me after all this information rushed through my head so early in the morning. The company that owns the complex offers a 30 day money back guarantee if for some reason I’m not satisfied with the management, grounds, construction, etc. This means I can get out of my lease if I fill out a form within 30 days. It’s a like a godsend for the indecisive. So I can get out of my apartment that I’m regretting, thereby possibly saving money. But I bet you’re wondering, where will I live? Am I doomed to wander the streets until December, living in the school union and washing myself in the public restrooms until my moving day? No, such is not my fate fortunately. You see, I can suck it up and go live with my parents or grandfather in a nearby town until I can move up there. Granted, this would mean I would have to open every morning at work (so I’d be at work around 5 or 6 am), but I wouldn’t have to pay rent or bills for those roughly five months. I could save potentially $3000, maybe more. Add that to the extra money I would have after expenses anyway and I could have a nice chunk of change saved up for my move. Besides, living with my grandfather, I could butter him up a bit and try to buy his very nice car from him for cheap. He’s legally blind, he doesn’t need it anyway. The only thing I’d have to pay for is the days I had the apartment, my use of the electricity/water, and of course food at home.

Don’t get me wrong, though, this isn’t exactly a wonderful option. My parents/grandfather do not have internet, and I know that will kill me. Also, getting up and being at work so early will certainly wear on me all too quickly, not to mention being away from my friends with no car right now to get to them. But I talked with them, and Susan has already mentioned that it wouldn’t be a big deal to spend the night every once in a while so we can still hang out and everything. It’s really the social aspect of leaving and living with my family that’ll kill me, but I figure if I can’t deal with it here, how am I supposed to handle it when I’m 2000 miles away?

So you’ve heard all of this, and you can make your own judgments. But there’s one more thing: I may have met someone who lives in Connecticut right now, only a half hour away from my brother’s place. He’s funny, smart, and passionate. We have a lot of the same interests, and he’s wonderfully mature for his age (22). While we haven’t been talking that much, there could definitely be something here. While of course I’m not going to base a big life decision like this on one guy I just met, it is something to consider. I’ve perused the personal ads around my bro’s place, and there are some very good prospects. A lot fewer hicks and rednecks, you know?

And that’s all the information I have right now. I’m going to talk to my parents about it either over the weekend or early next week, and I’ll be sure to get some information from the apartment complex on Monday, just in a sort of reconnaissance mission.

*     *     *     *     *

Hmm…  As I’m sitting here watching my friends (and a few random casual acquaintances) play a Star Wars RPG game, I can’t help but wonder if I really can leave them to live my own life so far away.  I’m only an observer in this game, not a player (not really my thing I guess), which tells me they’ll be fine without me.  But what about me?  How do you make new friends, especially close ones like those you have now?

Mirror, Mirror

I’ve spent a lot of time looking at mirrors. Not into them, but at them. Mirrors — most commonly sheets of glass backed by unbelievably thin, highly polished sheets of aluminum or silver– are everywhere. There are more than nine just in my apartment, and many more than that in the building in which I work.

Why are there so many mirrors everywhere? Why is the specular reflection of visible light so appealing to everyone? Is it possible that we as humans are so completely mesmerized by ourselves (and yet so frighteningly shaky in our belief in our own actuality) that we need constant reminders of our appearance? And does that lead to a validation of our external existence, the part that is visible to all others? Maybe it’s true that mirrors really do reflect a part of one’s soul, and that deep down we all recognize this primordial relation we have with reflections.

Or is our society so appearance-oriented that we need constant self-surveillance in order to check for imperfections and keep up our vigilant guard against the realities that constitute our ‘natural’ visages? Superstition used to say that mirrors deflect evil and attract good. Hung in the right place, they can even bring the owner wealth and food. Maybe we kept those beliefs around, hidden deep within our collective subconscious, and our outward obsession with appearance is really a reflection of our inner apprehension with the idea of being broke and hungry. Society after all does demand a good, if not flawless, countenance and carriage in order to succeed…

We use mirrors to trick the eye into thinking a room is larger than it really is, and to reflect light back and forth to make a space seem brighter. In essence, mirrors are beguilers that ultimately have the ability to show us how things really are. A quality ‘looking glass’ can paint a perfect representation of reality on its surface, one that no photographer or painter could ever hope to equal because that reality is fluid, ever-changing. Placed in the right spot, a mirror can show one a surprising new perspective on the world around them. It’s as if the mirror really is a portal, not for souls, but simply into another dimension of sorts, a world opposite and yet someone the same or better than our own.

I often find myself wondering what that other world would be like. Is the me I see inside that world exactly like the me that I perceive myself to be here, or is he somehow better or worse? Is my reflection in the mirror me in that world, the physical embodiment of my soul or my character, or am I incarnated in a totally different fleshly expression there? Does that me in the mirror have higher self-esteem or more/better abilities than I do, or does he feel as lost as I do sometimes? Is he more driven and confident, or is he perhaps a weaker form of me, one dependent on others’ approval and observance. Most importantly, if this other me actually did exist, would he be as cognizant of my existence as I am of his?

This is what I meditate on the most, the idea of another cognizant me that may or may not be better than the me that I perceive in myself. The idea that another me is sitting there guessing about my existence is honestly a little weird or creepy to me. I guess the real question is why? Why do I occupy my time wondering if another me in my head is better than me somehow? The confusion I feel in my life right now, the uncertainty of my future place in the world (metaphorically and literally), all lead me to wonder if the me inside the mirror has a better life.

In the end though, I don’t think he does. I’d like to think that the me inside this alternate reality is completely dependent on me, as he only seems to exist in direct relation to a mirror and my presence near one. But who knows? Maybe he exists even when I don’t see him, and I’m the one that’s a reflection of him. I guess I’ll never know…

On a side note, this idea of him being a reflection of me or vise versa leads me to a consideration of God as a reflection of man. In everyday religion, the existence of God seems to be dependent on his reflection in man, that is, his presence is only marked and noted when man decides he’s there. For example, something good happens, like a woman being cured of an illness, and the church says God is to thank. But something bad happens, like a car bombing or something, and the church condemns the ‘evil’ people who did it or blames the devil. Where was God then? And if he is so powerful, wouldn’t he help stop some of the atrocities going on, some divine spiritual intervention of sorts? I understand that we need hardship and difficulties in order to appreciate the good things in life, but why pick and choose when God is there or not? For that matter, if God understands that adversity makes up appreciate the good times, isn’t it possible that he — if he does in fact exist and take part in our everyday lives — causes these bad things to happen on purpose, thus negating the need for a devil in the first place? Old religions saw good and evil as one in everything, including their gods. Couldn’t God be the same way?

If mirrors reflect our souls, or at the very least offer us a truthful imitation of our reality, then God is like a giant mirror for humanity. His greatness seems to be an echo of the human race’s belief in its own superiority. And his apparent lack of compassion (his ‘wrath’ some would say) also mimics our own sometimes brutish nature.

-Liridon