I know it’s been a bit since I last posted, but honestly not too much has happened in my life that’s worth reporting. My roommate got robbed while three of us were home, but I feel as if that’s more of a private issue rather than something worthy of debate in the great Metaverse (i.e., the internet. lol). Suffice it to say that the roomie is taking it quite well actually, and is already trying to move on and look at the bright side.
In my life, one thing has happened that is of note: I actually met someone of the male persuasion and actually got together with them in person for a bit. At the time I was originally going to write this post (about a week or so ago, actually) we’d just parted from our first meeting only a few hours ago, and I was eager to tell the world about my new dilemma. You see, Charlie is a smart guy I suppose, funny in his own way and obviously passionate about life and people. A very understanding and accepting person, he is comfortable with himself and comfortable allowing those around him to feel how they wish to feel.
The night we met up, it was already two in the morning. Being somewhat of an early bird, especially compared to someone like him who was a complete and total night owl, this was very late for me, but as it was a Saturday night I though what the hell. He got a ride over to my side of town (He’s thirty and has no car of his own), and we spent the next two and a half hours out in the park next to my complex. I would like to say we spent it talking and laughing, having some innocent fun and all, but the truth is there was more making out than anything else. Don’t get me wrong, there was talking and laughing and all that, but I just wanted to feel contact with another human male again. We got along alright, but I knew something was wrong.
As soon as I laid eyes on him, I knew it would never work out in the end. Putting it bluntly, I was simply not attracted to him at all physically. I know it’s vain of me to think such things, especially as I myself am not exactly eye candy and therefore wish people to overlook my physical shortcomings, but that’s how it is. See him, barely taller than me with a gut hanging over his waistband and ill fitting baggy clothes on sealed the deal. Combine this with the fact that he’s thirty with no college degree, no apparent ambitions that don’t revolve around comic books, and a mediocre night job at Walmart made him all around bad for me, even on paper. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the fact that he was so confident and comfortable with himself and others, and that he was so accepting of others’ foibles, including my own. I guess that’s what really attracted me to him. It was simply a man who was interested in me. Am I really so starved for male companionship that I would carry on a pseudo-relationship with someone I wasn’t really interested in and didn’t even find attractive just to use them to build my surprisingly fragile self-esteem, then ultimately dump them once I decided enough was enough, as I actually considered doing? My thoughts were that I would have a little fun with this guy, maybe try to get to the point where I actually feel good about myself with men, then move on to what I really want.
The entire time we were together I was thinking something along these lines. Granted, I considered we could just be friends, because I really think that would be possible and I would like more gay friends, but that wouldn’t satisfy my desire for male contact that was beyond sexual and more a desire for intimacy than anything else. Fortunately I didn’t have to make this decision in the end. I saw him Saturday night/Sunday morning, and on Tuesday morning before I left for work, I got a message from him on MySpace (where we met) telling me that while I was a great guy he wasn’t really ready for dating after all but he hoped we could still be friends. While normally this would have destroyed me (even without any physical or emotional attraction I can be quite vulnerable), for once I was actually pretty fine. I replied and told him that I understood, and that while I thought I was ready to date, maybe we just weren’t a good fit. And that was that.
But that was a lie, as I realized later. While ruminating about our brief time together, I thought of the last time I looked at him. We were walking through the vast space that is my apartment complex towards the back where my building is located. He was doing this as a nicety to me, as his ride was picking him up at the front, and I acknowledged the gesture without glancing behind me. Now, each building in the complex has a central walkway that cuts through them, thus allowing the entrances to the apartments to be covered but not enclosed. We got to my building, and stopped just inside the covered area, under the first of the three lights that line the ceiling. For some reason I was wary about him knowing which apartment exactly was mine, so it was here that I turned to him to say goodbye for the night. We’d just spent nearly two solid hours making out in the dark of a part, only the stars and streetlights to illuminate our loveless tryst. Under the harsh glow of the security lighting I finally realized that this would never work. He smiled at me and said he’d had a good time and hoped he could see me again. I mumbled something in acquiescence, and he pulling towards him for a final kiss. I resisted only slightly, but I think he felt it nonetheless. I just saw his crooked grin and almost pleading eyes, and smelled the cigarettes on his clothes. I knew I couldn’t do it. Not only would I not be able to fake a relationship with him, but I couldn’t even fake a goodbye. We kissed awkwardly, and he turned to walk away. I watch him for a moment, thinking that I would probably never see him again. Then I walked quietly back to my apartment where I crept into bed silently, wishing for the morning to come.
As I said, while meditating on this last encounter I realized something. Maybe I’m not ready for a relationship. Maybe I’ve been so crippled by a lack of real male contact and intimacy that I don’t know how to have one. Maybe I’ve been relying too much on outside influences to judge my worth and desirability. I know that one should never rely on others to formulate opinions of oneself and one’s worth, but when you go as long as I have with very few dates and no relationships other than those conjured up in your own head, you tend to start thinking that maybe it’s you who’s not good enough, that it’s you who’s somehow too fragile, too guarded, too damaged, and too naive to be boyfriend material. I have a lot of love inside me, I know I do, but maybe I need to start focusing on getting to the point where I love myself regardless of the presence or lack of a man’s attention, and then try to get the man.
For years now I’ve known deep down inside that I am happiest and most secure with myself when I know that someone likes me, has a crush on me, or even just wants to get in my pants. I eat less and smile more when I have a crush on someone and feel that that crush is returned, and as a fat man with too much sarcasm, that’s a good thing. The last time someone professed feelings for me (which ended in heartache on my part, but it’s my own damn fault for falling for him), I had a spring in my step and a laugh in my heart for a brief moment, and nothing could bring me down. I felt as if I could challenge the world and win. Without something like that, I’m only confident in myself when I’m by myself and I’ve allowed music, or books, or ideas to inspire me into believing that I am a person capable of loving and being loved equally.
I’m not saying that my own guarded self-esteem is excuse for wanting to use Charlie the way I considered, or is even an excuse for wanted to make out with a man I barely know just for contact with another man, but it does explain a lot about me. I’ve known for a while now that I need to be secure with myself before I can really be an equal player in a relationship, but this thing with Charlie just sealed the deal I guess. I’ve been stuck in the same vicious cycles of sarcasm and wit hiding my insecurities, then retreating the safe cocoon of my friends to cover up my loneliness. Maybe it really is time to get out of Oklahoma and move on to somewhere else, somewhere where I can try to break these habits and become the person I want to be. But that will be a topic for a later post. It’s getting late here, and I’d like to do some reading before I go to bed.
On a final side note, I hate to sound so after school special on here, or so preachy in my own way, but I know of no other way to get these feelings out. Thank you all for listening (or rather, for reading), and goodnight to all you wonderful people out there exploring this great and beautiful Metaverse that we’ve created. Sometimes it seems more believable version of reality to people than the physical world.
-Liridon
