On the subject of virtues, and life in general.

Sometime last week, not longer after my last post actually, I was at work when a coworker told me that someone had said that he had no virtues. I confronted this person, not necessarily in an offended manner, and asked her why this coworker had no virtues. She had no real answer, but simply laughed and said, “He’s just (insert name of coworker here).” While I realize that that comment was made only in lighthearted jest (as everyone at work knows that it is particularly easy and hilarious to goad this coworker into some semblance of annoyance), it got me thinking about virtue.

Is there such a thing as a person with absolutely no virtues? Is there someone out there or in the annals of history who is completely devoid of redeeming qualities? Before I go further, I suppose I should clarify what I mean by “virtue”. Objects in general have what is called a normative virtue, that is, they have a distinct purpose for their existence, like the virtue of a knife is to cut. But “virtue” can also have a moral value. What I mean by “virtue” is simply something that most people in society could classify as “good” about a person. Is there something about the person that you could say is nice, however small? I realize that this definition is highly subjective, but then again most things involving morals, values, or ideals seem to be that way.

Being a recent psychology graduate, I tend to focus on the more psychological side of things if I can, so I’m reminded of Seligman and Peterson’s research and book “Character Strengths and Virtues: A Handbook and Classification”. This a psychological book in the positive tradition, and is an attempt to classify and measure the universal strengths and virtues (obviously) that are applicable to the widest possible range of human cultures. They found six broad categories of virtues:

wisdom and knowledge (creativity, curiosity, open-mindedness, love of learning, etc)

courage (bravery, persistence, integrity, vitality)

humanity (love, kindness, social intelligence)

justice (citizenship, fairness, leadership)

temperance (forgiveness and mercy, humility and modesty, prudence)

transcendence (appreciation of beauty and excellence, gratitude, spirituality, hope, humor)

This really seems to cover just about everything. So surely everyone would have something on this list that could apply to them. From what I’ve seen of history, many people, though considered “morally” bad or evil, still have a love of learning, or a desire for their version of fairness. Adolf Hitler is said to have been actually quite the family man, very loving toward the children of his top officers. Granted, his love was only for those select few that passed his admittedly skewed ideals, but the love or affection was nonetheless there. His humanity was simply very limited. For a little story about ‘family man’ Hitler, go here.

I guess in the end I answered my own question pretty easily. Virtues are subjective, and can have nothing whatsoever to do with religion or morality if that is what someone chooses, so in the end it is very likely that at least one virtue could be found in even the most seemingly heinous people, not to mention my rather innocent (by comparison) coworker. Maybe this was a weak topic for a post, but the idea really struck me that someone could be without virtue and still just live anonymously among us, even as a coworker.

On a completely different topic entirely, I’ve been doing some soul searching you might say as to what I should do with my life. I’ve just turned 24, and I feel like options are running out. I have a BA in psychology with an admittedly useless minor in French (which I loved, by the way), and I don’t know where to go next. Right now I think I would be happy just having a job that I like at least somewhat where I don’t come home smelling like hamburgers. I’m working for a grad student on the side as an unpaid research assistant, and I absolutely love the fact that I can wear pretty much whatever I want when I go to work there. But on top of the job hunt, I don’t know if having just a BA will keep my happy and might I add financially secure for very long. I’ve been looking into grad school, but my options feel limited. I don’t want to be stuck in a university doing research for the rest of my life, but at the same time I’m not sure about become a psychologist and doing therapy and all that. I went into psychology honestly because I love studying and learning about people, but I hate the research process. It’s too tedious. Now I’m just ready to get out their and do something in the world, preferably in a nice salaried position with health benefits.

But what do I do, dear readers? Before my 25th birthday comes around, I have a few things I would like to accomplish: first, I would like to lose some weight and get in better shape. I think I’d like to start my next quarter of a century off right. Second, I want to have a job that I’m happy with, though I don’t know what kind of job that would be right now, or where it would be. I would also like to be decided on whether I’m going to grad school or not, and where and for what degree. Third, I’d like to have my own place, with some new friends, and possibly a nice significant other to invite over occasionally.

See, I’m not really asking for much I guess. The weight thing is my own issue, one that I have unfortunately struggled with for some time. I find it hard to motivate myself to go to the gym and lay off the sweet foods. Bad me, I know. The job/school thing is a big issue for me because I don’t know if I want to stay in Oklahoma. I’m really considering going to Connecticut to be near my brother, but that scares and saddens me a bit. I’d be losing my friends, and I’d be far away from most of my family for an extended amount of time. But I know I need to do what’s best for me. While I really would like to stay in the city I’m in and be near my friends and family, I also need to figure out what I’m missing in my life, and how to be happy.

Any advice, readers? I know one of you has really pushed for me to move to one of the coasts, but what about everything else? I think I’ll give my brother a call sometime this week and talk to him about all this. We haven’t really been very close lately, but I could really use his input.

As always, you’ve all been wonderful. ^_^

-Liridon

A Howl in a Technological Abyss

Just yesterday I heard a recording of Oklahoma State Representative Sally Kern bashing gay people and saying that their “agenda” was hurting the nation, and that the gay community is more of a threat to this country than terrorism or Islamic fundamentalists. She compares the gay community to cancer of the toe, i.e., a disease that will spread to the rest of the body if something isn’t done about it. (For a transcript of her poisonous, hateful rant, go to http://www.boxturtlebulletin.com/2008/03/08/1600.)

Excuse me for being so blunt, but where does this self-righteous whore of a vengeful god get off with saying this and then hiding behind freedom of speech? Don’t get me wrong, I fully acknowledge her right to say as she pleases in the public discourse, to express her views and opinions in any manner she deems fit, but she cannot turn around and get defensive because, big surprise, some people are pissed off. What really puts the icing on the cake is that, in interviews after the tape was leaked online, she rants that the American public shouldn’t have the gay agenda “shoved down their throats” in our public schools and media. Well you know what, I don’t want your agenda shoved down mine either. You are the reason the rest of the country laughs at Oklahoma, you are the reason the rest of the world laughs and America, and you are the reason so many people are fleeing Christianity and the crazy people involved in it.

I know name calling isn’t exactly the best way to progress an intellectual discussion, but this swollen hemorrhoid of a legislator is a perfect example of what is wrong with this country. She is a disgrace to our nation, and she and her cohorts are the ones directly responsible for setting this country back decades in the areas of social, political, and scientific advancement.

*whew* There. I kept the rant short. But seriously people, this news really hit me on an obviously personal level. As a gay Oklahoman, I’m appalled that such people claim to represent me and other gay people here, and I’m even more appalled when thinking that, in the actual truth of the matter, it is most likely that more people in this state agree with her than not. For the first time I can remember I got so angry and upset that I wanted to cry, scream, punch something, and run away all the same time. The word and poem “Howl” came to mind as it dawned on my just how much fighting there is left to do in order for me and those like me to be considered nothing more than a slight variation on the norm.

Stemming from a comment posted by “god” on my previous post, it really got me thinking about moving away from this state that progression forgot. My older brother lives in Connecticut, and I’ve heard that New Haven is a fairly liberal city, so maybe I could move up there. I think after all this I really need a change of scenery. It would be nice to go somewhere I don’t secretly fear being tied to a fence post and beaten to death simply because my hips sway a little more than most guys’, or because I happen to love musical theatre.

In my previous post, “god” suggested I get the hell out of middle America and move to one of the coasts. While I don’t think I’m too big of a fan of the west one, I do like the east, and the fact that my bro could be nearby makes it a more plausible idea for me. See, I have a desire to start my life anew and become more independent, but at the same time I fear that if there’s not something I know nearby I’ll go crazy and end up getting a bit too freaked by all the changes. You know, maybe I need to take baby steps. But whatever the case, the lease I have for my current apartment isn’t up until August, so I have some time to stew over the possibilities.

As for now, I will make this a short post and leave you with a bit of Allen Ginsberg’s “Footnote to Howl”. Think about it.

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The world is holy! The soul is holy! The skin is holy!

    The nose is holy! The tongue and cock and hand and asshole holy!

Everything is holy! Everybody’s holy! Everywhere is holy!

    Everyday is in eternity! Every man’s an angel!

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-Liridon

Gaze anew at the heart that once was, for all answers are within.

I was once a very happy child. I ran and played outside with my friends all the time, and knew without a doubt that my parents loved me. I was loud and talkative, outgoing even, and always dreaming of some new fantasy world. Magic was everywhere for me then. My mother praised my accomplishments, and I accepted without thought my silent father’s assumed love and admiration. My brother was an older brother, bothersome but protective. Life was good.

I miss being that child sometimes. As with many people, when I hit puberty things became awkward. I quickly moved into middle school where there were a lot more kids, and suddenly I was conscious of the fact that I was different, that dreams and make-believe weren’t acceptable to this crowd. I had always been chubby, bordering on fat, but that hadn’t seemed too much of a problem before as I was always the smart kid who made perfect grades, and I was okay with that. I had my friends that I lived on the same block with, and that’s all I needed. But middle school brought changes, as it always does, and I became aware of social cliques, fitting in, and the inevitable desire to have a companion in an intimate sense. It wasn’t until late in I believe eighth grade that I knew “gay” was the word to describe me, and believe me, it was a bit of a shock. I had always assumed I was normal. I got good grades, went to church with my family when I was younger, fought with my older brother most of the time, and played with my friends whenever possible. But I liked girls as friends and companions. I found myself lusting after boys, later men, though at the time I couldn’t have told you what exactly “lust” meant.

I was shy in middle school, though I did make some friends, many of which I am still friends with now. I entered high school with those friends, and with them came back out of my shell again, at least a little bit. I became a bit more confident, sure in my abilities as a smart kid and a band geek. Yet I knew I was still on the cusp of groups. I was a smart kid, but didn’t do the geeky things like D & D or other rpg’s. Nor did I join the science clubs and do math for fun in my free time. I loved band, but also kept up with some of the more popular trends. My friends and I called ourselves “the outcasts” in jest because we certainly weren’t the popular kids, but we also didn’t fit into the other cliques, like the goths, nerds, jocks, or drama geeks. Even the band geeks thought we were different, and we didn’t care. I guess that’s what helped my confidence come back. There were people on the edge just like me.

But today, after just graduating college, I still feel as if I’m on the edge of groups. I never liked going to wild drunken parties, and I never had time for most clubs or groups. I got decent grades, and managed to keep the same friends I came to college with, with the addition of a few others. My only boyfriend was my last semester of high school, and I’ve only slept with someone twice. I have been boyfriend-less the entire time during college, with only a few real dates interspersed here and there. Now I feel as if I’ve been holding myself back for the stupidest reasons. I’ve always thought myself too heavy to fit in with the other gays on campus, the ones with uber-fashionable clothes and way too much time to spend on their hair or love life. And I never put myself out there enough to find any dates, so I know I only have myself to blame.

But I have come to an intriguing, somewhat disturbing realization as of late. I know now that my loud, talkative self hasn’t “come back” at all, but has become a facade to hide my insecurities. I am the guy who uses sometimes mean humor and sarcasm to hide his jealousy and contempt for both himself and those he sees as having rejected him. I find it hard sometimes to feel happy for my friends’ accomplishments because I want to accomplish things as well. I go through the motions of being upset about things or trying to comfort someone, but in reality I have no idea what to do in those situations, and I have a psych degree. It sounds cliche, but I need to work on loving myself.

Until very recently I didn’t know the main source of my insecurities, but over the years I’ve figured it out: it’s my father. Throughout childhood while my mother would praise me for every accomplishment, every good grade, my father was absent, always working and too tired to do much when he got home. I accepted this when I was younger as just how my dad was. But later, even in high school, it began to get harder and harder to get some praise out of my parents. Mom always loved my good grades, but they both rarely ever attended a band concert after about 9th grade, and they never came to a game or marching contest to see me march, though Mom went to almost all of my brother’s home football games. I began practically asking, begging for recognition. I would start to brag about doing well on a test or how well the band did at contest. While it wasn’t obvious to me then, now it seems as if this behavior should have been obvious to my parents. They should have known on some level that my talkative nature had changed from the ramblings of a boy full of ideas to the cries of a boy full of needs.

I don’t blame them for their mistakes, because I do think they did the best they knew how. They love me, and always have, or so I believe. Mom I have no doubt about most of time, though she can be rather selfish and lately hasn’t been as supportive as I’d like her to be. But Dad is ever the silent type. He teases all the time (not to me, but rather while talking about me to others) that I talk all the time, and that he’s gotten very good at tuning me out. What he doesn’t seem to realize is that every time I try to talk to him about what’s going in my life with my friends or anything, it is me desperately trying to get him to talk to me about anything. I work with my father right now (yes I know, pathetic), and he is my manager. We see each other quite a bit, so I have a lot of opportunities to say things to him. I’ll go into his office to talk about what’s going on in my life, how I’m looking for an apartment in town or saving up for a car, or anything, and most times I don’t get a word of response. While I realize we are both at work and busy, it wouldn’t be that hard for him to acknowledge me and give me some sort of fatherly encouragement. For example, as you readers know I’m apartment hunting, trying to make a budget to get a place and buy not only a car but furniture to go into my new digs. I know my parents can’t really help financially as they’re short on money, so that’s not my problem. But when I mention it to Mom she gets upset or worried and tells that she doesn’t think I should live on my own, that I should have roommates again (and work with Dad until I go to grad school apparently). She gotten clingy to the point of suffocation sometimes, and in a way I understand it, as my older brothers live halfway across the country in Connecticut. I get that she wants me nearby, but I know that she doesn’t realize how much she hurts me I get no reassurance from her.

At the other end of the spectrum, Dad gives me almost no reaction at all, and when I finally do exhort a response from him, it’s usually of the sort that mentions how much money it costs to have your own place, or how I don’t need a car (even though I’m a college graduate trying to start a life on my own). One of my supervisors (a guy right below my dad in the managerial hierarchy) has said that Dad has told him how proud he is of me, but I find it hard to believe him. Would it be so hard to get some love and encouragement from him? Only yesterday I found myself thrilled that I found an excuse to work next to him and actually have a conversation. Even at the time I thought how pathetic it was that I was so happy just to be talking to the man I see five days a week at least.

I believe that these father issues are what directed me to like older men, though I never got so far as to go after anyone near my dad’s age. Older men (say around 30-40) have always had an appeal to me, as they are more likely to be put together, to be more knowledgeable, and more likely to have their life in order. Thankfully, I’ve become more and more open to relationships with men my own age, though I’d still prefer to be the younger one (and the shorter one if possible, but that’s erroneous.) These issues are also responsible for my constant need for reassurance in a relationship that I am loved or at least well-liked, and why I get so attached to a man or develop a little crush on a guy as soon as he says something reasonably nice to me. At least now I have an idea was is behind some of my issues, so I can tackle them head on. I crave love and affection from a man, so I end up formulating wild fantasies in my mind involving the most recent available man that has come into my life that was nice to me. But this desire for affection has crippled me into fearing rejection as well, so I end up sitting home on Saturday nights hanging out with my roommates, all of whom are female. I have no gay friends to speak of (that aren’t lesbians of course), and have no idea where I’m going to meet someone now that college is over, at least for a while.

I know I want love, a long term relationship filled with affection, intimacy, and trust. But I’m also afraid that my weight, or my looks, or my mean jokes caused by insecurities, will keep me from finding that. (I’m also keenly aware that I’ve been sounding very whiny in this post, especially in the section directly discussing my parents’ behaviors, but please bear with me. Everyone needs to be self-indulgent and whiny at times, especially on their own blog.) My new task has been to get me to love myself once more. I will stop eating emotionally, and I will stop making excuses not to go out, or go to the gym, or meet new people. I will be sociable and kind, and be genuinely happy when a friend succeeds. I want to go back to that child I was before whose greatest thrill was seeing someone laugh and smile, who loved nothing more than to play, dream, and love.

I know that answers to my problems lie within in me, in that child’s heart that was once mine to care for. Can the reality I want be that which is hidden inside of me? I’ll keep you posted.

-Liridon