Mirror, Mirror

I’ve spent a lot of time looking at mirrors. Not into them, but at them. Mirrors — most commonly sheets of glass backed by unbelievably thin, highly polished sheets of aluminum or silver– are everywhere. There are more than nine just in my apartment, and many more than that in the building in which I work.

Why are there so many mirrors everywhere? Why is the specular reflection of visible light so appealing to everyone? Is it possible that we as humans are so completely mesmerized by ourselves (and yet so frighteningly shaky in our belief in our own actuality) that we need constant reminders of our appearance? And does that lead to a validation of our external existence, the part that is visible to all others? Maybe it’s true that mirrors really do reflect a part of one’s soul, and that deep down we all recognize this primordial relation we have with reflections.

Or is our society so appearance-oriented that we need constant self-surveillance in order to check for imperfections and keep up our vigilant guard against the realities that constitute our ‘natural’ visages? Superstition used to say that mirrors deflect evil and attract good. Hung in the right place, they can even bring the owner wealth and food. Maybe we kept those beliefs around, hidden deep within our collective subconscious, and our outward obsession with appearance is really a reflection of our inner apprehension with the idea of being broke and hungry. Society after all does demand a good, if not flawless, countenance and carriage in order to succeed…

We use mirrors to trick the eye into thinking a room is larger than it really is, and to reflect light back and forth to make a space seem brighter. In essence, mirrors are beguilers that ultimately have the ability to show us how things really are. A quality ‘looking glass’ can paint a perfect representation of reality on its surface, one that no photographer or painter could ever hope to equal because that reality is fluid, ever-changing. Placed in the right spot, a mirror can show one a surprising new perspective on the world around them. It’s as if the mirror really is a portal, not for souls, but simply into another dimension of sorts, a world opposite and yet someone the same or better than our own.

I often find myself wondering what that other world would be like. Is the me I see inside that world exactly like the me that I perceive myself to be here, or is he somehow better or worse? Is my reflection in the mirror me in that world, the physical embodiment of my soul or my character, or am I incarnated in a totally different fleshly expression there? Does that me in the mirror have higher self-esteem or more/better abilities than I do, or does he feel as lost as I do sometimes? Is he more driven and confident, or is he perhaps a weaker form of me, one dependent on others’ approval and observance. Most importantly, if this other me actually did exist, would he be as cognizant of my existence as I am of his?

This is what I meditate on the most, the idea of another cognizant me that may or may not be better than the me that I perceive in myself. The idea that another me is sitting there guessing about my existence is honestly a little weird or creepy to me. I guess the real question is why? Why do I occupy my time wondering if another me in my head is better than me somehow? The confusion I feel in my life right now, the uncertainty of my future place in the world (metaphorically and literally), all lead me to wonder if the me inside the mirror has a better life.

In the end though, I don’t think he does. I’d like to think that the me inside this alternate reality is completely dependent on me, as he only seems to exist in direct relation to a mirror and my presence near one. But who knows? Maybe he exists even when I don’t see him, and I’m the one that’s a reflection of him. I guess I’ll never know…

On a side note, this idea of him being a reflection of me or vise versa leads me to a consideration of God as a reflection of man. In everyday religion, the existence of God seems to be dependent on his reflection in man, that is, his presence is only marked and noted when man decides he’s there. For example, something good happens, like a woman being cured of an illness, and the church says God is to thank. But something bad happens, like a car bombing or something, and the church condemns the ‘evil’ people who did it or blames the devil. Where was God then? And if he is so powerful, wouldn’t he help stop some of the atrocities going on, some divine spiritual intervention of sorts? I understand that we need hardship and difficulties in order to appreciate the good things in life, but why pick and choose when God is there or not? For that matter, if God understands that adversity makes up appreciate the good times, isn’t it possible that he — if he does in fact exist and take part in our everyday lives — causes these bad things to happen on purpose, thus negating the need for a devil in the first place? Old religions saw good and evil as one in everything, including their gods. Couldn’t God be the same way?

If mirrors reflect our souls, or at the very least offer us a truthful imitation of our reality, then God is like a giant mirror for humanity. His greatness seems to be an echo of the human race’s belief in its own superiority. And his apparent lack of compassion (his ‘wrath’ some would say) also mimics our own sometimes brutish nature.

-Liridon

Home Sweet Home?

Well, it’s almost 11:00pm on Sunday night.  I’ve been back in Oklahoma for twelve hours now.  Super happy fun time for me, as you can guess.

I went to Connecticut over this past week, and despite the fact the I had to get up at 2:45 (central time) to catch my flight this morning, I thought I’d share a few thoughts about it.  First of all, I was surprised at just how much I liked it up there.  The last time I went to see my brother and sister-in-law was two years ago, and I remember having the impression that there were too many highways and not enough things to do near by.  It seemed like everywhere we went was at least twenty minutes away.  Now I kind of see that as a blessing.  My brother and his wife live in a fairly quiet neighborhood in Bristol, but so many things are just ten or twenty minutes away.  You get the serenity (at least some level of it) and the advantages of city life at the same time.  They’re a half hour from Hartford, there’s plenty of shopping and restaurants around, and (big for me right now) a branch of the University of Connecticut is only fifteen minutes away.  By the end of the week, I was trying to figure out how to get my stuff up there.

So while I was up shootin the breeze and hanging out, I visited two graduate departments at UConn (social work, and public policy).  While I pretty much knew what to expect with the social work department, I found that my hour long meeting with one of the administrators of the department of public policy to be very encouraging and even enlightening.  We discussed the classes in detail, the philosophy of the department, trends in what current students were studying.  I told her that I was thinking about working with gays and lesbians, either in a civil rights avenue or a counseling method, and she was on board with that.  After that meeting, I started wishing I could take courses there and get my masters in public administration, and take enough courses to be certified as a licensed counselor as well.  I’d something that’s near my brother since I’ll be staying with them until I find a place, so maybe I’ll looking into some other surround schools.  I’ve also thought about a dual degree with public administration and social work, but who knows if that’ll pan out.

If someone were to ask me what I did on my week long trip, I’m not sure what I’d tell them.  For the most part I just hung out with my brother and sister-in-law and piddled around town.  We went to the movies, out to eat, to the mall for a bit, to different shopping areas, and even to a Titanic exhibit in Hartford.  I guess the biggest thing we did was go to New York City on Saturday to spend the day, but that’s only a small part of why I had a good time.  The longer I stayed there, the more I came to like the area and the possibilities that it could hold for me.  There’s museums, restaurants, shopping, new people, new ideas, bigger cities (come on, New York and Boston are only a relative hop and skip away)…  Even French Canada is accessible, as I found during one of my meetings.

But now comes the hard part.  How do I make the final decision to get my ass up there and, more pragmatically, how do I find the means to get all my stuff up there without it costing an arm and a leg?  Do I buy a car here and haul it myself, or do I get a U-Haul?  Leave a lot of stuff behind, or take everything I own (which is my first inclination since I’m somewhat of a pack rat)?  And what about my friends here?  While I was up there I had these wonderful visions of me inviting some friends up to see my new apartment and to let me show them around the area, maybe go to New York for a day…  But at night, when I had more time to think, I wondered about the things I would miss out on here, and how hard it’s going to be for me to make new friends.  I’ve had the same friends since high school, some of them since middle school.

But I won’t let myself dwell on stuff like that.  I’m trying to stay positive.  My sister-in-law is very optimistic about all this and is really excited about me moving up there, so I’ll try to channel her for a while.  Anyway, it’s getting kind of hard for me type anymore because I’m getting so groggy…  Maybe I’ll write more tomorrow.  I’m always thinking of something to write, even if I don’t post as often as I’d like to.

-Liridon

Love, Sex, and Charlie

I know it’s been a bit since I last posted, but honestly not too much has happened in my life that’s worth reporting. My roommate got robbed while three of us were home, but I feel as if that’s more of a private issue rather than something worthy of debate in the great Metaverse (i.e., the internet. lol). Suffice it to say that the roomie is taking it quite well actually, and is already trying to move on and look at the bright side.

In my life, one thing has happened that is of note: I actually met someone of the male persuasion and actually got together with them in person for a bit. At the time I was originally going to write this post (about a week or so ago, actually) we’d just parted from our first meeting only a few hours ago, and I was eager to tell the world about my new dilemma. You see, Charlie is a smart guy I suppose, funny in his own way and obviously passionate about life and people. A very understanding and accepting person, he is comfortable with himself and comfortable allowing those around him to feel how they wish to feel.

The night we met up, it was already two in the morning. Being somewhat of an early bird, especially compared to someone like him who was a complete and total night owl, this was very late for me, but as it was a Saturday night I though what the hell. He got a ride over to my side of town (He’s thirty and has no car of his own), and we spent the next two and a half hours out in the park next to my complex. I would like to say we spent it talking and laughing, having some innocent fun and all, but the truth is there was more making out than anything else. Don’t get me wrong, there was talking and laughing and all that, but I just wanted to feel contact with another human male again. We got along alright, but I knew something was wrong.

As soon as I laid eyes on him, I knew it would never work out in the end. Putting it bluntly, I was simply not attracted to him at all physically. I know it’s vain of me to think such things, especially as I myself am not exactly eye candy and therefore wish people to overlook my physical shortcomings, but that’s how it is. See him, barely taller than me with a gut hanging over his waistband and ill fitting baggy clothes on sealed the deal. Combine this with the fact that he’s thirty with no college degree, no apparent ambitions that don’t revolve around comic books, and a mediocre night job at Walmart made him all around bad for me, even on paper. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the fact that he was so confident and comfortable with himself and others, and that he was so accepting of others’ foibles, including my own. I guess that’s what really attracted me to him. It was simply a man who was interested in me. Am I really so starved for male companionship that I would carry on a pseudo-relationship with someone I wasn’t really interested in and didn’t even find attractive just to use them to build my surprisingly fragile self-esteem, then ultimately dump them once I decided enough was enough, as I actually considered doing? My thoughts were that I would have a little fun with this guy, maybe try to get to the point where I actually feel good about myself with men, then move on to what I really want.

The entire time we were together I was thinking something along these lines. Granted, I considered we could just be friends, because I really think that would be possible and I would like more gay friends, but that wouldn’t satisfy my desire for male contact that was beyond sexual and more a desire for intimacy than anything else. Fortunately I didn’t have to make this decision in the end. I saw him Saturday night/Sunday morning, and on Tuesday morning before I left for work, I got a message from him on MySpace (where we met) telling me that while I was a great guy he wasn’t really ready for dating after all but he hoped we could still be friends. While normally this would have destroyed me (even without any physical or emotional attraction I can be quite vulnerable), for once I was actually pretty fine. I replied and told him that I understood, and that while I thought I was ready to date, maybe we just weren’t a good fit. And that was that.

But that was a lie, as I realized later. While ruminating about our brief time together, I thought of the last time I looked at him. We were walking through the vast space that is my apartment complex towards the back where my building is located. He was doing this as a nicety to me, as his ride was picking him up at the front, and I acknowledged the gesture without glancing behind me. Now, each building in the complex has a central walkway that cuts through them, thus allowing the entrances to the apartments to be covered but not enclosed. We got to my building, and stopped just inside the covered area, under the first of the three lights that line the ceiling. For some reason I was wary about him knowing which apartment exactly was mine, so it was here that I turned to him to say goodbye for the night. We’d just spent nearly two solid hours making out in the dark of a part, only the stars and streetlights to illuminate our loveless tryst. Under the harsh glow of the security lighting I finally realized that this would never work. He smiled at me and said he’d had a good time and hoped he could see me again. I mumbled something in acquiescence, and he pulling towards him for a final kiss. I resisted only slightly, but I think he felt it nonetheless. I just saw his crooked grin and almost pleading eyes, and smelled the cigarettes on his clothes. I knew I couldn’t do it. Not only would I not be able to fake a relationship with him, but I couldn’t even fake a goodbye. We kissed awkwardly, and he turned to walk away. I watch him for a moment, thinking that I would probably never see him again. Then I walked quietly back to my apartment where I crept into bed silently, wishing for the morning to come.

As I said, while meditating on this last encounter I realized something. Maybe I’m not ready for a relationship. Maybe I’ve been so crippled by a lack of real male contact and intimacy that I don’t know how to have one. Maybe I’ve been relying too much on outside influences to judge my worth and desirability. I know that one should never rely on others to formulate opinions of oneself and one’s worth, but when you go as long as I have with very few dates and no relationships other than those conjured up in your own head, you tend to start thinking that maybe it’s you who’s not good enough, that it’s you who’s somehow too fragile, too guarded, too damaged, and too naive to be boyfriend material. I have a lot of love inside me, I know I do, but maybe I need to start focusing on getting to the point where I love myself regardless of the presence or lack of a man’s attention, and then try to get the man.

For years now I’ve known deep down inside that I am happiest and most secure with myself when I know that someone likes me, has a crush on me, or even just wants to get in my pants. I eat less and smile more when I have a crush on someone and feel that that crush is returned, and as a fat man with too much sarcasm, that’s a good thing. The last time someone professed feelings for me (which ended in heartache on my part, but it’s my own damn fault for falling for him), I had a spring in my step and a laugh in my heart for a brief moment, and nothing could bring me down. I felt as if I could challenge the world and win. Without something like that, I’m only confident in myself when I’m by myself and I’ve allowed music, or books, or ideas to inspire me into believing that I am a person capable of loving and being loved equally.

I’m not saying that my own guarded self-esteem is excuse for wanting to use Charlie the way I considered, or is even an excuse for wanted to make out with a man I barely know just for contact with another man, but it does explain a lot about me. I’ve known for a while now that I need to be secure with myself before I can really be an equal player in a relationship, but this thing with Charlie just sealed the deal I guess. I’ve been stuck in the same vicious cycles of sarcasm and wit hiding my insecurities, then retreating the safe cocoon of my friends to cover up my loneliness. Maybe it really is time to get out of Oklahoma and move on to somewhere else, somewhere where I can try to break these habits and become the person I want to be. But that will be a topic for a later post. It’s getting late here, and I’d like to do some reading before I go to bed.

On a final side note, I hate to sound so after school special on here, or so preachy in my own way, but I know of no other way to get these feelings out. Thank you all for listening (or rather, for reading), and goodnight to all you wonderful people out there exploring this great and beautiful Metaverse that we’ve created. Sometimes it seems more believable version of reality to people than the physical world.

-Liridon

On the subject of virtues, and life in general.

Sometime last week, not longer after my last post actually, I was at work when a coworker told me that someone had said that he had no virtues. I confronted this person, not necessarily in an offended manner, and asked her why this coworker had no virtues. She had no real answer, but simply laughed and said, “He’s just (insert name of coworker here).” While I realize that that comment was made only in lighthearted jest (as everyone at work knows that it is particularly easy and hilarious to goad this coworker into some semblance of annoyance), it got me thinking about virtue.

Is there such a thing as a person with absolutely no virtues? Is there someone out there or in the annals of history who is completely devoid of redeeming qualities? Before I go further, I suppose I should clarify what I mean by “virtue”. Objects in general have what is called a normative virtue, that is, they have a distinct purpose for their existence, like the virtue of a knife is to cut. But “virtue” can also have a moral value. What I mean by “virtue” is simply something that most people in society could classify as “good” about a person. Is there something about the person that you could say is nice, however small? I realize that this definition is highly subjective, but then again most things involving morals, values, or ideals seem to be that way.

Being a recent psychology graduate, I tend to focus on the more psychological side of things if I can, so I’m reminded of Seligman and Peterson’s research and book “Character Strengths and Virtues: A Handbook and Classification”. This a psychological book in the positive tradition, and is an attempt to classify and measure the universal strengths and virtues (obviously) that are applicable to the widest possible range of human cultures. They found six broad categories of virtues:

wisdom and knowledge (creativity, curiosity, open-mindedness, love of learning, etc)

courage (bravery, persistence, integrity, vitality)

humanity (love, kindness, social intelligence)

justice (citizenship, fairness, leadership)

temperance (forgiveness and mercy, humility and modesty, prudence)

transcendence (appreciation of beauty and excellence, gratitude, spirituality, hope, humor)

This really seems to cover just about everything. So surely everyone would have something on this list that could apply to them. From what I’ve seen of history, many people, though considered “morally” bad or evil, still have a love of learning, or a desire for their version of fairness. Adolf Hitler is said to have been actually quite the family man, very loving toward the children of his top officers. Granted, his love was only for those select few that passed his admittedly skewed ideals, but the love or affection was nonetheless there. His humanity was simply very limited. For a little story about ‘family man’ Hitler, go here.

I guess in the end I answered my own question pretty easily. Virtues are subjective, and can have nothing whatsoever to do with religion or morality if that is what someone chooses, so in the end it is very likely that at least one virtue could be found in even the most seemingly heinous people, not to mention my rather innocent (by comparison) coworker. Maybe this was a weak topic for a post, but the idea really struck me that someone could be without virtue and still just live anonymously among us, even as a coworker.

On a completely different topic entirely, I’ve been doing some soul searching you might say as to what I should do with my life. I’ve just turned 24, and I feel like options are running out. I have a BA in psychology with an admittedly useless minor in French (which I loved, by the way), and I don’t know where to go next. Right now I think I would be happy just having a job that I like at least somewhat where I don’t come home smelling like hamburgers. I’m working for a grad student on the side as an unpaid research assistant, and I absolutely love the fact that I can wear pretty much whatever I want when I go to work there. But on top of the job hunt, I don’t know if having just a BA will keep my happy and might I add financially secure for very long. I’ve been looking into grad school, but my options feel limited. I don’t want to be stuck in a university doing research for the rest of my life, but at the same time I’m not sure about become a psychologist and doing therapy and all that. I went into psychology honestly because I love studying and learning about people, but I hate the research process. It’s too tedious. Now I’m just ready to get out their and do something in the world, preferably in a nice salaried position with health benefits.

But what do I do, dear readers? Before my 25th birthday comes around, I have a few things I would like to accomplish: first, I would like to lose some weight and get in better shape. I think I’d like to start my next quarter of a century off right. Second, I want to have a job that I’m happy with, though I don’t know what kind of job that would be right now, or where it would be. I would also like to be decided on whether I’m going to grad school or not, and where and for what degree. Third, I’d like to have my own place, with some new friends, and possibly a nice significant other to invite over occasionally.

See, I’m not really asking for much I guess. The weight thing is my own issue, one that I have unfortunately struggled with for some time. I find it hard to motivate myself to go to the gym and lay off the sweet foods. Bad me, I know. The job/school thing is a big issue for me because I don’t know if I want to stay in Oklahoma. I’m really considering going to Connecticut to be near my brother, but that scares and saddens me a bit. I’d be losing my friends, and I’d be far away from most of my family for an extended amount of time. But I know I need to do what’s best for me. While I really would like to stay in the city I’m in and be near my friends and family, I also need to figure out what I’m missing in my life, and how to be happy.

Any advice, readers? I know one of you has really pushed for me to move to one of the coasts, but what about everything else? I think I’ll give my brother a call sometime this week and talk to him about all this. We haven’t really been very close lately, but I could really use his input.

As always, you’ve all been wonderful. ^_^

-Liridon

A Howl in a Technological Abyss

Just yesterday I heard a recording of Oklahoma State Representative Sally Kern bashing gay people and saying that their “agenda” was hurting the nation, and that the gay community is more of a threat to this country than terrorism or Islamic fundamentalists. She compares the gay community to cancer of the toe, i.e., a disease that will spread to the rest of the body if something isn’t done about it. (For a transcript of her poisonous, hateful rant, go to http://www.boxturtlebulletin.com/2008/03/08/1600.)

Excuse me for being so blunt, but where does this self-righteous whore of a vengeful god get off with saying this and then hiding behind freedom of speech? Don’t get me wrong, I fully acknowledge her right to say as she pleases in the public discourse, to express her views and opinions in any manner she deems fit, but she cannot turn around and get defensive because, big surprise, some people are pissed off. What really puts the icing on the cake is that, in interviews after the tape was leaked online, she rants that the American public shouldn’t have the gay agenda “shoved down their throats” in our public schools and media. Well you know what, I don’t want your agenda shoved down mine either. You are the reason the rest of the country laughs at Oklahoma, you are the reason the rest of the world laughs and America, and you are the reason so many people are fleeing Christianity and the crazy people involved in it.

I know name calling isn’t exactly the best way to progress an intellectual discussion, but this swollen hemorrhoid of a legislator is a perfect example of what is wrong with this country. She is a disgrace to our nation, and she and her cohorts are the ones directly responsible for setting this country back decades in the areas of social, political, and scientific advancement.

*whew* There. I kept the rant short. But seriously people, this news really hit me on an obviously personal level. As a gay Oklahoman, I’m appalled that such people claim to represent me and other gay people here, and I’m even more appalled when thinking that, in the actual truth of the matter, it is most likely that more people in this state agree with her than not. For the first time I can remember I got so angry and upset that I wanted to cry, scream, punch something, and run away all the same time. The word and poem “Howl” came to mind as it dawned on my just how much fighting there is left to do in order for me and those like me to be considered nothing more than a slight variation on the norm.

Stemming from a comment posted by “god” on my previous post, it really got me thinking about moving away from this state that progression forgot. My older brother lives in Connecticut, and I’ve heard that New Haven is a fairly liberal city, so maybe I could move up there. I think after all this I really need a change of scenery. It would be nice to go somewhere I don’t secretly fear being tied to a fence post and beaten to death simply because my hips sway a little more than most guys’, or because I happen to love musical theatre.

In my previous post, “god” suggested I get the hell out of middle America and move to one of the coasts. While I don’t think I’m too big of a fan of the west one, I do like the east, and the fact that my bro could be nearby makes it a more plausible idea for me. See, I have a desire to start my life anew and become more independent, but at the same time I fear that if there’s not something I know nearby I’ll go crazy and end up getting a bit too freaked by all the changes. You know, maybe I need to take baby steps. But whatever the case, the lease I have for my current apartment isn’t up until August, so I have some time to stew over the possibilities.

As for now, I will make this a short post and leave you with a bit of Allen Ginsberg’s “Footnote to Howl”. Think about it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The world is holy! The soul is holy! The skin is holy!

    The nose is holy! The tongue and cock and hand and asshole holy!

Everything is holy! Everybody’s holy! Everywhere is holy!

    Everyday is in eternity! Every man’s an angel!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

-Liridon

Gaze anew at the heart that once was, for all answers are within.

I was once a very happy child. I ran and played outside with my friends all the time, and knew without a doubt that my parents loved me. I was loud and talkative, outgoing even, and always dreaming of some new fantasy world. Magic was everywhere for me then. My mother praised my accomplishments, and I accepted without thought my silent father’s assumed love and admiration. My brother was an older brother, bothersome but protective. Life was good.

I miss being that child sometimes. As with many people, when I hit puberty things became awkward. I quickly moved into middle school where there were a lot more kids, and suddenly I was conscious of the fact that I was different, that dreams and make-believe weren’t acceptable to this crowd. I had always been chubby, bordering on fat, but that hadn’t seemed too much of a problem before as I was always the smart kid who made perfect grades, and I was okay with that. I had my friends that I lived on the same block with, and that’s all I needed. But middle school brought changes, as it always does, and I became aware of social cliques, fitting in, and the inevitable desire to have a companion in an intimate sense. It wasn’t until late in I believe eighth grade that I knew “gay” was the word to describe me, and believe me, it was a bit of a shock. I had always assumed I was normal. I got good grades, went to church with my family when I was younger, fought with my older brother most of the time, and played with my friends whenever possible. But I liked girls as friends and companions. I found myself lusting after boys, later men, though at the time I couldn’t have told you what exactly “lust” meant.

I was shy in middle school, though I did make some friends, many of which I am still friends with now. I entered high school with those friends, and with them came back out of my shell again, at least a little bit. I became a bit more confident, sure in my abilities as a smart kid and a band geek. Yet I knew I was still on the cusp of groups. I was a smart kid, but didn’t do the geeky things like D & D or other rpg’s. Nor did I join the science clubs and do math for fun in my free time. I loved band, but also kept up with some of the more popular trends. My friends and I called ourselves “the outcasts” in jest because we certainly weren’t the popular kids, but we also didn’t fit into the other cliques, like the goths, nerds, jocks, or drama geeks. Even the band geeks thought we were different, and we didn’t care. I guess that’s what helped my confidence come back. There were people on the edge just like me.

But today, after just graduating college, I still feel as if I’m on the edge of groups. I never liked going to wild drunken parties, and I never had time for most clubs or groups. I got decent grades, and managed to keep the same friends I came to college with, with the addition of a few others. My only boyfriend was my last semester of high school, and I’ve only slept with someone twice. I have been boyfriend-less the entire time during college, with only a few real dates interspersed here and there. Now I feel as if I’ve been holding myself back for the stupidest reasons. I’ve always thought myself too heavy to fit in with the other gays on campus, the ones with uber-fashionable clothes and way too much time to spend on their hair or love life. And I never put myself out there enough to find any dates, so I know I only have myself to blame.

But I have come to an intriguing, somewhat disturbing realization as of late. I know now that my loud, talkative self hasn’t “come back” at all, but has become a facade to hide my insecurities. I am the guy who uses sometimes mean humor and sarcasm to hide his jealousy and contempt for both himself and those he sees as having rejected him. I find it hard sometimes to feel happy for my friends’ accomplishments because I want to accomplish things as well. I go through the motions of being upset about things or trying to comfort someone, but in reality I have no idea what to do in those situations, and I have a psych degree. It sounds cliche, but I need to work on loving myself.

Until very recently I didn’t know the main source of my insecurities, but over the years I’ve figured it out: it’s my father. Throughout childhood while my mother would praise me for every accomplishment, every good grade, my father was absent, always working and too tired to do much when he got home. I accepted this when I was younger as just how my dad was. But later, even in high school, it began to get harder and harder to get some praise out of my parents. Mom always loved my good grades, but they both rarely ever attended a band concert after about 9th grade, and they never came to a game or marching contest to see me march, though Mom went to almost all of my brother’s home football games. I began practically asking, begging for recognition. I would start to brag about doing well on a test or how well the band did at contest. While it wasn’t obvious to me then, now it seems as if this behavior should have been obvious to my parents. They should have known on some level that my talkative nature had changed from the ramblings of a boy full of ideas to the cries of a boy full of needs.

I don’t blame them for their mistakes, because I do think they did the best they knew how. They love me, and always have, or so I believe. Mom I have no doubt about most of time, though she can be rather selfish and lately hasn’t been as supportive as I’d like her to be. But Dad is ever the silent type. He teases all the time (not to me, but rather while talking about me to others) that I talk all the time, and that he’s gotten very good at tuning me out. What he doesn’t seem to realize is that every time I try to talk to him about what’s going in my life with my friends or anything, it is me desperately trying to get him to talk to me about anything. I work with my father right now (yes I know, pathetic), and he is my manager. We see each other quite a bit, so I have a lot of opportunities to say things to him. I’ll go into his office to talk about what’s going on in my life, how I’m looking for an apartment in town or saving up for a car, or anything, and most times I don’t get a word of response. While I realize we are both at work and busy, it wouldn’t be that hard for him to acknowledge me and give me some sort of fatherly encouragement. For example, as you readers know I’m apartment hunting, trying to make a budget to get a place and buy not only a car but furniture to go into my new digs. I know my parents can’t really help financially as they’re short on money, so that’s not my problem. But when I mention it to Mom she gets upset or worried and tells that she doesn’t think I should live on my own, that I should have roommates again (and work with Dad until I go to grad school apparently). She gotten clingy to the point of suffocation sometimes, and in a way I understand it, as my older brothers live halfway across the country in Connecticut. I get that she wants me nearby, but I know that she doesn’t realize how much she hurts me I get no reassurance from her.

At the other end of the spectrum, Dad gives me almost no reaction at all, and when I finally do exhort a response from him, it’s usually of the sort that mentions how much money it costs to have your own place, or how I don’t need a car (even though I’m a college graduate trying to start a life on my own). One of my supervisors (a guy right below my dad in the managerial hierarchy) has said that Dad has told him how proud he is of me, but I find it hard to believe him. Would it be so hard to get some love and encouragement from him? Only yesterday I found myself thrilled that I found an excuse to work next to him and actually have a conversation. Even at the time I thought how pathetic it was that I was so happy just to be talking to the man I see five days a week at least.

I believe that these father issues are what directed me to like older men, though I never got so far as to go after anyone near my dad’s age. Older men (say around 30-40) have always had an appeal to me, as they are more likely to be put together, to be more knowledgeable, and more likely to have their life in order. Thankfully, I’ve become more and more open to relationships with men my own age, though I’d still prefer to be the younger one (and the shorter one if possible, but that’s erroneous.) These issues are also responsible for my constant need for reassurance in a relationship that I am loved or at least well-liked, and why I get so attached to a man or develop a little crush on a guy as soon as he says something reasonably nice to me. At least now I have an idea was is behind some of my issues, so I can tackle them head on. I crave love and affection from a man, so I end up formulating wild fantasies in my mind involving the most recent available man that has come into my life that was nice to me. But this desire for affection has crippled me into fearing rejection as well, so I end up sitting home on Saturday nights hanging out with my roommates, all of whom are female. I have no gay friends to speak of (that aren’t lesbians of course), and have no idea where I’m going to meet someone now that college is over, at least for a while.

I know I want love, a long term relationship filled with affection, intimacy, and trust. But I’m also afraid that my weight, or my looks, or my mean jokes caused by insecurities, will keep me from finding that. (I’m also keenly aware that I’ve been sounding very whiny in this post, especially in the section directly discussing my parents’ behaviors, but please bear with me. Everyone needs to be self-indulgent and whiny at times, especially on their own blog.) My new task has been to get me to love myself once more. I will stop eating emotionally, and I will stop making excuses not to go out, or go to the gym, or meet new people. I will be sociable and kind, and be genuinely happy when a friend succeeds. I want to go back to that child I was before whose greatest thrill was seeing someone laugh and smile, who loved nothing more than to play, dream, and love.

I know that answers to my problems lie within in me, in that child’s heart that was once mine to care for. Can the reality I want be that which is hidden inside of me? I’ll keep you posted.

-Liridon

Finally Beginning?

Recently I’ve been looking for a new apartment around town, someplace that I can call my own. So far, I’ve only lived with my parents, or with roommates. But now, I think I’m finally ready to find a place and live on my own, with my own furniture, my own car, my own rules. The problem is, I own virtually no furniture, have no car to speak of, and am currently in the process of saving up the money with which to realize my dream of solitary living.

I won’t go into specifics about my income, but if my income were to stay relatively the same, I can see myself having to spend about half of it on rent and bills alone, not including car insurance/payments, food, and other miscellaneous expenditures. Since I’ve recently gotten my bachelor’s, I’m looking for a new job, one that hopefully involves a steady work week (with evenings and weekends free, ideally), and a pay raise. I’m tired of working fast food, and though the money is actually pretty good, I need a change. Though I know that I will get lonely sometimes in my new place, and I’ll regret my decisions sometimes, I know this will be good for me in building my independence and forcing me to handle the world on my own. While I wish my parents could help out more, it’s kind of nice knowing that whatever I get, I get it on my own, with my own efforts and ingenuity. I feel as if I can finally begin my life.

I imagine my new job being challenging but not completely overbearing, involving meeting new people and opportunities for advancement in the future. I picture having friends over for dinner, or a movie night, or drinks. Whatever, so long as I can get out there and meet people. I know I picture this future for one reason only: I’m afraid I’ll become somewhat of a hermit if I live on my own. I can be on the shy side, and can come off as needy or awkward if I’m nervous, or if I really like someone. People often don’t understand my humor, and I find it hard to be open and honest with new people. But I want to force myself to make friends, and hopefully even find a steady boyfriend out there…

Which brings me to my other vision: finally having a place where, if I actually had one, I could bring my boyfriend to spend the night (or whatever else we might want to do) without fear of roommates barging in or (let’s face it) judging me. All in all I just want a place to bring someone home to, to show them without words who I am and what I like. Maybe I’m reading too far into the whole going-out-on-your-own scenario, but this is how I want it to be.

Speaking of how I’d like things to be, one of the biggest draws for me to have my own place is the most frivolous. I want to be able to design/decorate it almost however I want (barring leasing restrictions and the like). The apartment before the one I’m currently in was unfurnished, and as the result of a splitting of roommates midway through our lease, I had to get some furniture of my own, and ended getting what I consider a most unique sofa, in that it is probably from about 1974, is burnt orange velvet-like material, and has one of those beds built into it. I know, I know, an orange couch? But my dear readers you have to believe me when I say that it was a purchase that spoke of my inner funkadelic nature (I suppose), and hearkened to my love of color and unusual design. Plus it was supremely comfortable.

But anyway, back to the point. As I didn’t want to have to buy another sofa, I thought, why not work around the orange couch and do some sort of swanky/funky 60’s thing with bring colors and a really fun atmosphere. I though I would use a lot of different shades of blues and greens (to counterbalance the orange, or course), but still bring in splashes of other colors like yellow and red. I really want my place to be inviting to others, and really show off that, even though I can be a bit standoffish sometimes, I’m really actually a warm and loving person… who likes a lot of color in their life. The design isn’t set in stone yet, and knowing me it will change over the months to suit whatever resources I have, but at least I’m brainstorming.

The only other design area I’ve considered is my bedroom, which I still want to be swanky (if anyone out there can help me solidify that word into a design schema, please help), but also a lot sexier, with darker, richer colors, fabrics with a bit of a sheen or luster to it, and thought-provoking, profound artwork. This is where I’d show my sexier side. The big problem I face here (aside from color choices and how to make it blend somewhat with the rest of the place) is how make a room feel a lot sexier, a little darker, a very dramatic, when I want to avoid painting the walls if at all possible. I like the idea of an accent wall, but how do I downplay stark white walls in my sexy swanky bedroom?

~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~

I just had a pause and realized how different this post is from my previous ones. But this is me, dear readers. One day I think about the existence of god or the nature of the universe, the next I’m worry about furniture choices and getting the right lighting. I guess this all ties into my struggles with formulating a new life and a new me. I want to be more independent, more outgoing, and more successful in the relationship department. I also want to delve into my belief systems, research more about my various passions, and in short figure out more about myself. I think that living on my own is a good way to start this. Without roommates, I won’t have anyone too close at hand to lean on, so I’ll have to find my own ways to socialize and entertain myself. I sincerely fear that I could become hermit, but I’ll try not to let myself do that. The big if part to my future life and lifestyle is the job I’ll have. I have no idea where I’ll be working, what I’ll be doing, who I’ll be working with, or (very nearly most importantly), how much I’ll be making so I can figure out a budget, and a plan of attack for the dating front.

So here goes, world. I’m going to start out now on my own for once. The job hunt begins now (as I’d like to have a new, better, job before May), and I will continue the apartment research. If any of you out there no some good resources for jobs, gay social life, decorating on a budget, or any other things that might help me in my quest, please message me (i.e., leave a comment) so that I may benefit from your knowledge.

Thank to the world out there that may or may not have been reading this, and until next time, adieu.

-Liridon

Update: I just had a talk with one of my roommates, and while previously she was moving out of town for school, she’s now considering staying.  Should I stick to my ultimate desires and live on my own for all the reasons listed above, or should I take the safer and easier, albeit possibly less fulfilling route and room with her possibly one more person?  How do I know what’s best for me?

“god” and the Concept of Free Will

As you few readers (if there are any out there) can see below, my first ever real post was commented not once but three times by a blogger who goes by the name of “god”. While I won’t go in to questioning his choice of name given that he is a professed atheist (does he admit that he himself does not exist? lol), he raised some very interesting questions. I can see from his few comments (and from a visit to his blog, which is very interesting if the topics happen to strike your fancy) that his is an opinion and a viewpoint that I admire and respect, and will most likely continue to do so if he should choose to comment again. “God”, if you are reading this, thank you so much for your comments and your intriguing thoughts and questions.

The comments to my first post have continued to fuel my desire finally to begin my personal quest for true understanding. I don’t know if I well ever be an atheist, but ideas presented by “god” and by his friends on his blog have given me a better idea of the path I want to take with my initial research.

Being a deeply personal and experiential phenomenon, as “god” so eloquently put it, religion or spirituality is not necessarily a thing that can be defined, nor will I attempt to do so in this post. All my life I was taught that there is a God and that he is a loving entity who happens to have the power to destroy utterly those who defy him. As a young child I didn’t object to this, and though neither my family nor I were particularly devout, we did go to church on a more or less regular basis, and I had many Christian friends. Only recently have I come to discover that that is not religion or spirituality in essence, but simply a physical ramification of society’s perspective of those things. The doctrine and dogma of the Christian church is not my idea of the true belief and worship of God, or as I am coming to think of it as, the belief in a Cosmic Force that is outside of complete comprehension. “God” brought up the point that it is often the dogma of faith that turns atheists away, such as the rigid belief in a creation myth despite obvious scientific proof otherwise, that homosexuality is wrong, that animal sacrifices are necessary to ‘appease’ a deity, or that male dominance is the way the world was designed. I believe the Bible and other such books were written by men (and women of course), not by God himself, and that they are discussions of religion and belief much like books written today on the subject, or even like blogs such as the one “god” runs. If you look at the history of the Bible, for example, you can find copious examples for the reasoning behind many of the laws of Leviticus and why there is a mundane, worldly background to a supposedly supernatural law. On the flip side, I am beginning to believe that religious texts can give insight into the nature of this Cosmic Force that I am just beginning to theorize. As such, I am currently researching books that discuss the similarities between religions, and the ideas they profess. While I have seen many atheists site this as conclusive reason for the invalidity of a particular religion and fundamentally the invalidity of all religions, I see it as evidence for possible basic truths about both the nature of the cosmos and of the Cosmic Force that is its core.

On a different strand, “god” in his second comment brought up the idea of probability. He is right in saying that the God explanation merely shifts the explanation for the complexity of the universe while doing nothing to explain it in real terms. But he goes on to ask the question, “Who made God?” That intrigues me, and I confess I do not have the answer to that question. Maybe God is a human creation brought about by a base yearning for there to be something else out there other than the mundane lives we know on earth. Maybe he is a delusion we have outgrown, as so many like to say. Or maybe our perception of God isn’t necessarily wrong, only misinterpreted and carelessly personified into human terms. We refer to God as “he”, “she”, or “it” sometimes, and speak of him/her experiencing love and rage, in some cases desire and happiness. But these are tools to try to help humans grasp an inkling of what an omniscient or cosmic being may be like. I do not hope to completely understand the Cosmic Force that may be out there, but I do hope to develop an idea of its complexity.

This brings me to the final point that “god” raised, and one that have been thinking about since I last posted. He wrote that is God made all, then it follows that he must be both omniscient and omnipotent. However, according to him, these two qualities are mutually exclusive, as God is powerless to change his knowledge (meaning he can’t unknow what he knows). This is a gray area that I don’t think I have the ability to delve into just yet. But I’m alright with that. As a psychology student you learn to accept gray areas, so I can live with this one for a while.

Finally, I reach the concept of Free Will that is mentioned in the title of this post. As I have been writing for a while, I will keep this part short. On “god’s” suggestion, I visited his blog and discovered a discussion about sexual selection and natural selection and how it can related to Free Will. I strongly urge the readers out there to visit this blog and begin to expand your perceptions of the universe. While I have read all the comments, nor do I remember everything about this post, what sticks with me now is someone’s comment about Free Will and its near impossibility. The poster (who goes by the name of Mangawitch if I remember correctly–you should look her up), claims that what we consider free will is actually environmental programming done by society (our parents included) since birth. Since it’s short, here’s most of what she said:

“Where we live, how we live and who we live with influences us to a massive degree before we even learn to talk. Why do I like the music I do? Cos it was always playing when I was young - I associate it with good times - therefore it is good.

My parents taught me to be open-minded and to explore everything. To question everything and not to be afraid of being different. I could choose what to wear, where to go, what to believe.

But that wasn’t my free will - I was just doing what my parents had programmed me to do. You see, we think we’ve made the decisions using our own free will - but we haven’t. We’ve made them based on the influences around us.

Even our dreams are created by what happens around us during the day.”

She raises interesting ideas, but I tend to disagree with her on a fundamental level. Being a psych student who does not gravitate toward cognitive behavioralism, I tend to believe that people are not simply organic robots. Free will by definition is the ability to choose among many different ideas, paths, and decisions. Free will can explain why children grow up to be completely different from their children despite the possible association of good emotions with certain types of music or other such things. I was raised hearing classic rock most of the time, but I don’t consider myself a fan of it at all. In fact, I don’t have any of that genre on my mp3 player or computer. Is this evidence that I have chosen the type of music I like on my own, without the influence of my programming? Maybe, maybe not. But I refuse to believe that we don’t have the power to make our own choices in life. We can be influenced by others, or even by some sort of programming, but the final decision is ultimately left up to the individual. Maybe that is the answer to it all. Maybe this Mangawitch person and I are both right and both wrong. Maybe it is a combination of free will being influenced by early childhood “programming”. Psychology has shown us that the way a child is raised and their level of attachment to their caregiver affects how that child eventually forms relationships and makes decisions. But they’ve also seen people overcome initial childhood setbacks and make their own decisions regardless of the attachment style of the primary caregiver. As I’m writing this, I’m thinking, maybe the example of attachment style of the parent affecting the choices and relationships of the adult is a good example of environmental programming and therefore evidence for a lack of any real free will. But who knows. I think I need to do some more research on this, and comment on it later. As you can see by now, I like doing research. ^_^ Oh, on the subject of dreams being influenced by what happens around us during the day, I have one simple thing to say: While this may be true, what we do with our thoughts and our dreams is up to us alone. That is our Free Will.

And now, to conclude, goodbye to any readers out there. Have a wonderful evening, and I hope to see you back around here soon!

-Liridon

Religion vs. Atheism, or The Earth’s Orbit and the Existence of God

Recently, I was watching a show on the History Channel about global warming called “A Global Warning?” (great title, huh? lol). I didn’t think much of it at first, as most if it made sense: the earth goes through cycles in weather, but humans are messing with that and really effin’ up the place with a total disregard for the future. It really made me think about my impact on the planet, and it made me want to try to make an effort to recycle and by natural products. Unfortunately, being a recent graduate with lots of loan debts and very little time, buying the more expensive organic products, or finding the energy and time to recycle is near impossible. Not the mention the fact that I have three roommates right now, and no car with which to go and buy necessities like recycling bins, or with which to take said recyclables to a center.

But that is not the real topic of the post. What really got me thinking was a part of the show where it talked about earth’s orbit around the sun and how it effects the climate of the planet. Apparently it changes every 100,000 years or so from a somewhat circular path to a more pronounced elliptical path. When it’s circular, the temperatures are fairly moderate throughout the planet and pleasant for sustaining life. When it’s elliptical, earth is pretty much a giant ice ball with very few living things on it. This is part of the explanation for our ice ages and how such different creatures as dinosaurs and humans can come about on this planet. So our climate changes dramatically pretty much like clockwork every 100,000 years. While I don’t quite understand how evolution could take place over millions of years and survive the climate changes, that also is not the point of this post. What struck me was the total and utter impersonal and dispassionate way this occurs. I know it sounds obvious that the earth’s rotation is impersonal because it is a naturally occurring phenomenon, but it really struck me that it was so regular and unforgiving. It honestly made me question the existence of a life-creating and life-sustaining God that cares about His creations, especially his supposed chosen ones, the humans of the world.

Why would a god make sentient creatures, beings with the ability to rationalize and think about the future, including our own mortality and the possibility of an afterlife, and put us on a planet (ostensibly also created by the deity) where the climate changes so dramatically that the creatures He made with love and affection would never survive it? Is it possible that this Creator only means his chosen creations to live in this limited timespan in order to therefore limit our production and possible destruction of His planet? Or is it equally possible that this ‘omnipotent’ being has no control over the orbit of the planet, in which case He is not the all-knowing, all-thinking, all-powerful deity that most have come to think of when they contemplate deifications?

I will admit that I do not much about other religions (though I’m open to the thoughts of those with other backgrounds of course), but the Christian viewpoint holds that God is the creator of everything and therefore controls everything in the universe except the free will of his creations. That He gave to us so that we may choose to follow Him in love, devotion, and gratitude. Okay, take that and put in the facts about the earth’s rotations. Either God created us to live only in this time section for some unknown cosmic reason (and it’s in His plans to do this since He knows all about the climate change), he created us as his ultimate beings but has no control over the planet’s orbit (in which case our perceptions of Him are completely wrong and meriting a serious reconsideration), or there is no rhyme or reason to it, no God, and we’re just here because of a few flukes in the DNA down the line.

It was this knowledge that made me seriously doubt the existence of God for the very first time. People cite the violence of man or terrible weather problems like tsunamis and hurricanes as proof that a loving god doesn’t exist. I say it is the will of individual people that causes these atrocious crimes, not the will of God, and that nature has terrible things like tornadoes and earthquakes because it is possible that God created the science of nature to work such that there is the natural ebb and flow of the “good” and the “bad”. Nature balances itself out quite nicely, and if a sentient Creator Being came up with it, I say good job. Atheists say people only want to believe in an afterlife to justify the horrible conditions that we live in on earth, and to give an excuse not to live the hedonistic life of the damned. I see them sneer at those with religion for holding on to their pathetic ideas of an afterlife, while deriding them for the tenacious clinging to this horrible life beyond which they supposedly want to move. If the afterlife is so great, why not kill yourself and get to it faster? Of course, many religions have an answer to this, but that is usually fodder for those atheists who like nothing more than to make fun of those with religious ideals. (Note: I’m not saying all atheists are antagonistic to those with religious beliefs. I’m merely stating that there are those like that out there, and I have met way too many of them. Why is it so hard to understand the concept of an intelligent person with religious beliefs? Science and faith are two completely different things if you ask me.)

But back to the original thought. If earth’s orbit is regular, and the climate is supposed to change dramatically and get much much colder in a few thousand years (barring the complete destruction of the earth from man’s folly beforehand), how does God figure in, or is He a figment of the collective unconscious? The facts in the film were presented in such as way that it seemed logical that God wasn’t in the picture, that humans are simply descendants of apes and just along for the ride while they still have some breathing room. It’s hard for me to think in those terms, because I’ve always believed that there was something bigger than us out there, something that had some answers. Whether our conceptions of God, Allah, Brahma, or whatever are correct or not, something is out there that maybe had a plan for all of this.

So I tried looking in to the idea of atheism in general. I got on the web, looked at some sites, piddled around, and just came out feeling upset. It wasn’t because the ideas they had were necessarily upsetting. It was that so many were content with mocking those of faith and belittling both it and their intelligence. It hurt me deep inside to think that I could be like that, that I could snub someone simply because they essentially had something I did not. I don’t want to be like that. Why is it that, in the atheist world it seems, to have religion, or even some notion of “otherness” out there, is equivalent to being stupid and naive? Why is the idea of an intelligent system of faith so foreign to these people? For that matter, why do they demand that every aspect of a person’s faith be probed and scrutinized methodically, and if you don’t probe as they wish you are afraid that you’ll find your beliefs are unmerited? Do they think that no one’s beliefs will stand up to the all mighty god of Science? While science has a lot of answers, and I rely on the knowledge that it brings the world, I still can’t shake the belief that Logic and Faith are two completely different, yet not necessary antithetical, modes of thinking. Logic is in the brain, while Faith is somewhere locked in the soul, the heart, or the mind. I refuse to believe right now that atheism the is the logical path of the intellectual.

For now, I will continue to research not only atheism, but other religions as well to see what the world has to offer. There are so many things that science has yet been unable to answer. Maybe religion has some clues.

-Liridon

Bonjour, Tout le Monde!

Welcome to INTROSPECTION: A Life of Inner Existence. My name is Liridon. This will be a blog designed to give the world my random thoughts about life, love, and trying to find some sanity out there. I’m a gay man in central Oklahoma just starting life after college, still trying to figure out who I am and what I want in the world. Throughout my posts you’ll most likely find poems or short stories, random thoughts, quotes, or ideas, and you’ll get to hear about my travails in the world of dating (if I can manage to get one, that is. lol) I’d love it if you would post your own thoughts or whatever, because it’ll give me something more to think about.  As evidenced by the name of my blog, I tend to do a lot of thinking, so feel free to get my gears cranking.

Here’s to the start of a new life, and to the start of my very first blog!

-Liridon